Someone I know and like suggested I rent Repo. They know two very important things about me: (1) I like campy movies. (2) I don’t hate opera. What they didn’t count on was a third, and possibly more important thing, I hate bad movies that try way too hard to by unneccessarily kitschy. This person is now my mortal enemy.
The movie takes place in the near future. You know, the near future where everyone talks and dresses like they were sitting to dinner with the founding fathers. I really hate that. We get it, corsets and long jackets look good on people. But seriously? Get with it, future. A serious fashion designer like Paris Hilton wouldn’t be caught dead in non-future future clothes like that. Oh wait. She’s in this. Wearing horrible clothes from the past/future.
Anyway, in this near future, there was a big epidemic of people’s organs peacing out. It’s probably because the future is confusing when the future is the past. A company called GenCo steps in and provides replacements for all of those wayward organs. No money? It’s cool. GenCo is one of those nice, future companies who will give you free stuff and let you pay for it later. Until they don’t? Okay. Then, if you don’t pay for it, a dude in a weird suit and weird hat will come and rip them out of you. It makes sense. Organs usually do very well when being put in and out of people. I think some organ company might be getting a stimulus package soon.
Alexa Vega (poor girl) is the daughter of a Repo Man who is secretly poisoning her to give her the same blood condition her mother had when her father tried to cure her mother but actually ended up killing her oh wait he didn’t he actually might have had the cure but the head of GenCo who was in love with the poor girl’s mother switched some of the cure out for poison which actually killed her without the dad guy knowing. Yeah. More logic. Then there’s something about the head of GenCo’s kids wanting to inherit the company now that daddy’s getting terminal. It’s just as stupid as that way long run-on sentence. Also, drug addiction?
Maybe I went into this with some false assumptions. For example, I assumed that I would be able to understand the words to songs in a MUSICAL. This was incorrect. I think had I turned on the captions, I would have gotten something like this for everything Sarah Brightman sang: “???????? Eyes ??????????? Sadness?” Overall, the music was really really bad. Like…as bad as a Paris Hilton CD. Oh crap. She sings in this. At least her face falls off.
Visually, the film was that fat-neighbor-girl-who-loves-hot-topic’s dream. The contrast was high, people were wearing dark colored lipstick, and there wasn’t an ungelled light on the set. What does every horror movie need to be scary? Literal piles of dead bodies who are all one organ short of an operation game? Well, this film’s got it. It also has glowy eyes and holograms that come out of glowy eyes, creepy graveyards, glowy addictive pain killers, and did I mention Paris Hilton’s face falls off?
After having to live in this world for just an hour and a half, I think I can see why all of those organs were offing themselves.
